Monday, June 13, 2011

My Boyfriend Is Depressed

My boyfriend is depressed.  I have heard many a women say this to me in my lifetime and since I have been doing coaching read many an email that started out like this.  "My boyfriend broke up with me because he is depressed".  The following email with that exact title entered my inbox a week ago and I have been giving it a lot of thought.

Robin,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 13 months.  A couple months ago he became more distant, breaking plans, not acting excited to see me, he seemed bored.  I tried to talk to him over and over.  Today he told me it was best that we break up because he is just depressed and not good for anybody now.  I am confused.  He still goes out with his friends, but when he is with me, he doesn't pay me much attention and sometimes just ignores me.  How can I help him and get back together.  I am devastated and love him and want to help him.  I asked him to go to a doctor and get help, but he won't.  I want to show him I will stand beside him.  How do I convince him that I love him and will be here for him.  I want to be here for him and help him.

Sara

I am no shrink, that is for sure and I have dealt with depression in my lifetime, mostly that of others.  I can't diagnose nor tell someone how to deal with depression, but can point out some things that could be going on here.  Below is my reply.

Sara,

Depression is a difficult thing to deal with, that is for sure.  If your boyfriend is depressed or not I can't know this.  I do know that depression is sometimes just an excuse and fits right in there with the others.  You know, the it's not you, it's me thing, or the I just don't know what I want.  I would bet that he has said these things or implied them at some point prior to him breaking up with you.

All you can do is accept this for now.  To wrap yourself up into trying to fix him will only break you.  It will damage your spirit and you won't be much use to him if he truly is depressed.  The more you try to fix him the more harm you do.  Talking to him about it, making suggestions just tells him you don't really trust his decision making skills and it makes him feel less like a man.  Talking does little good to turn a relationship around until the man is ready to talk.

Give him space.  Go on about your life as if he weren't in it anymore. Accept the break up for now. I know this is so hard, but he may miss your support down the line.  When this happens, he may contact you and at this point, he will be in a place to actually hear what it is you say.  When we talk to me from our space, which means from what we want, they really don't hear us.  What you want right now Sara is to make it all right and get back together.  If what you want does not match what he wants, you are wasting your breath.  You can't convince a man to love the way that you love.  If your boyfriend is depressed, he isn't really in a place to love you the way you want or need.

Another thing comes out when you give a man his space. The truth comes out.  Is he really depressed or does he just want to break up.  I could write a book on this to be honest because it goes so much deeper.

Bottom line is you have to take care of you first before you can even think about taking care of your boyfriend that is depressed or says he is depressed.  One of the things that could be causing this distance that happened with your man is perhaps I suspect you began putting his needs before your own.  When you do this, it shifts everything in the relationship and not for the good.  A man is not challenged by this and the excitement dies.  I am aware that relationships do reach a point after a certain amount of time where they can become stagnant or out of the honey moon phase as I call it.  It doesn't really have to be this way.

If your boyfriend is depressed and broke up with you because of it, well you have to accept this.  You can't fix him.  If you work on fixing yourself however, it often reignites that flame in him.  The girl he fell in love with is back.  You can have the relationship you want, but it starts with you and your ability to inspire a man to want to be a better man.  I think that is a line from a movie but is so close to the truth.





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