Monday, May 30, 2011

Learning to Trust Again

Learning to trust again.  First thing that comes to mind is trusting after you have been cheated on, betrayed or let down.  It's so much more to trusting a man again than this.  How to trust again comes in baby steps.  Trusting that he will call when he says he will, trusting he won't disappear, trusting that he has your best interest at heart are just a few.  It's not all about trusting him not to cheat.

Men want to be trusted.  If one man let you down or more than one man, it doesn't mean they all will.  Often we blame the man when this trust is broken, but many times we as women have played some sort of role in his behavior.  I will not deny that there are some men out there who just can't keep it in their pants, but for the most part, they want what we want.  Love, affection, acceptance and yes trust.  We don't as women hold the corner on the market of learning to trust again.

These baby steps I am talking about.  Here is an example.  A man says he will call in the next few days.  Until he gives you reason to not believe him, you must trust him to keep his word.  This means that after day one or two, you don't go sending any texts or initiating contact.  He will see that for what it is.  You inability to trust, you lack of faith in him so to speak. Insecurity. That is exactly what it is. This initiating is far from trust.  It's a sure sign to a man that you may be emotionally dependent on him in the future.

Coolest thing happens when you exercise that patience and give him the opportunity to prove himself to you without any cajoling on your part.  He is actually more compelled to step up and do what he said he was going to do.  When he does do what he says he will do, you don't react by saying something like "I thought you weren't going to call". or "Why didn't you call earllier?".  You reply more along the lines "Hello, it's so nice to hear your voice
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This is reinforcement.  Another point here is this.  When you lean back and trust him, he notices.  You stand out in his mind.  It motivates him to give you more reasons to trust.  Also how much better does it feel to you when he actually does keep his word, make that call and you didn't have to do a thing.  The more you do this the more comfortable you will become because you are getting postive reinforcement for your trusting.
Patience plays a huge role in trust.  They go hand in hand.  If a man tells me he is going to do something, I forget it and trust that he will.  It may not be in my time frame, but usually more times than not, he does what he says he will do.  If not, well that is a man you don't have to accept into your world, period.  A case of he is not that into you possibly. Learning to trust again doesn't mean accepting into your lives men or people in general that can't be trusted.  There are some of those out there, though I think they are few and far between.
Men don't think like we do.

Another example here.  A man made a date with you for Friday.  It's Thursday and he hasn't confirmed.  You start freaking, wondering if the date is still on or is he going to disappear.  This is a tough one, but still you have to trust.  The best way to practice this is to just get ready for the date and trust it is going to happen.  Worst case, he flakes on you, you go out anyway and flirt like crazy and write that one off.  Best case he shows up and your date goes according to plan.  Now I can't just leave this situation here like this.  I have to add one more thing.  For a man not to confirm and leave you wondering at the last miinute, well you do need to address this gracefully on your date and let him know you really do want confirmation.  That's called placing down a barrier.

I challenge you to start taking baby steps to trust men  The more you practice it, the more natural it becomes.  Men sense this in you and you will find men rarely let you down anymore.  It all comes from within you.  Men can sense that insecurity which translates to lack of trust in a woman.  This causes them to disappear which as a result never breaks your cycle.  You keep getting confirmation that you can't trust again. The viciuos cycle in your life will never end.

Baby steps ladies, lean back and learn how to trust again.  It inspires them to be better men.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Getting through a Break Up

If you have been dumped, the above video my help.  You can reach the support group here. 365daysoflove.  Two excellent resources one which was mentioned about are Get Your Ex Back and Why He Disappeared.

Heartbreak just sucks.  If you are going through it, my heart goes out to yours.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Getting Back in the Dating Pool

A female friend of mine has been online dating not for a few months. She is discouraged. She has met a few guys in person, she has emailed with many. She has had a lot of them just flake, stop emailing. Then there are two she likes, potential. One sort of eventually fades and she now has interest in the one. Now is when the stress sets in.

Find The One Online

We get stressed dating again because we don't know where it's headed, or what he thinks at this point. We are trying to rush it, when actually we probably would be better off to stay on the dating site at least talking to other men, giving them the benefit of the doubt.

She was losing interest in the internet dating concept or losing faith. She stopped logging onto the site as often, with some hope that maybe in the back of her mind this guy might work out. This is not how to date successfully online. It's all about keeping options open.

How many time do you think a woman meets a man of interest and she stops logging onto the dating site as often. This is a mistake, stay on the dating site until both of you are sure where you stand with one another, otherwise it's options open.

My friend told me she was going on a mancation. A mancation in our world means staying away from men. Below is my reply.

Find The One Online

You can't give up and the mancation does suck, I mini-mancation might be alright, you know 2 or three days.

I have had a good weekend so far. Went out for while last night, laughed a lot, maybe drank more than I should and flirted just to be flirting. I came home talked on the phone a while with a new "friend" and phone sex crossed my mind.

Today, moral here of this story is about swimming.

There is a pool in the backyard of my temporary home, one of the pluses. Today I got my swim suit on, sunscreen and got all set up. It's warm enough here right now. not hot but hot enough. The pool though is really really cold. (the pool is the dating world, back out there again.)

I wanted to swim some laps. I stepped on the first step and goose bumps went up my back and arms. I thought about it long and hard as I eased in, several times I almost turned around and got out. I got waist deep and just went for it, almost had a heart attack. Holy crap! I swam to the other end fast and hard, knowing I was going to only make one lap, I was so cold. I reached the other end turned around and went back talking myself out of getting out. One more lap, I can do one more.

Second lap, hmmm, I wasn't so cold anymore so I slowed it down. It was dead quiet out there and the cold water started to feel comfortable. I did 5 more laps slow and easy. Got back out sat in the sun, dried off and decided if I could do 5, I could do 5 more.

So I head to the pool, but this time I know what it's going to feel like so I just jump right in and start swimming. It might be cold but I already know I will get used to it.

That's how I see dating again. It's a mindset. There is no hurry, slow and easy and it's not near as stressful. It's when your focus shifts onto a man that you are not sure is focused on you that makes you want to get out, you feel the cold water in other words. Get back in and swim.

Find The One Online


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