Monday, August 22, 2011

I Was In Love With an Emotionally Unavailable Man

Oh yes I was once upon a time.  He seemed so wonderful.  He was a good person and I didn't even suspect he was emotionally unavailable until much later on.  It was like the ole frog in the pot.  Put him in cool water, turn it up slowly and he will stay there and boil to death.  Toss him in a hot pot and he jumps out.  I went into the cool water and had no clue, there weren't any signs.

He asked me to be exclusive, he called me his girlfriend.  He did things right.  He called when he was supposed too.  He took me out on dates, he was a stand up guy with a strong character.  He was a family man.  It wasn't until later that I realized he did these things because he thought he was supposed too, not out of some deep desire to make me happy.

The really odd thing is looking back, I don't think he even realized he was emotionally unavailable.  He didn't get my need to be further, deeper into his life or include him into mine.  There were also little clues looking back.  The pillow talk was limited.  He had so many routines that he was unwilling to break.  If grass needed cutting, there was nothing I could do to sway him otherwise.  Cocktails on the deck on a beautiful day sounded so wonderful to me.  I knew at least a dozen people who would love to go for cocktails on a deck, but not my boyfriend.  I was never invited to participate in any of his hobbies or assist in any way with his private life.  We never cooked together.  There was little sharing. 


He did so much right, hence I fell in love, yet it was the things that he wasn't doing that were telling that he was emotionally unavailable.  That is where I screwed up.  I paid attention to what he did and ignored the things he didn't do.  They were easy to overlook.  It was not a big deal that he could never stick around for breakfast, after all, the night before he had given me so much attention.  The sex was great so how could I complain?  He treated me very well and he was good to me.

This went on for a year.  It started dawning on me when I started to really want to share things with him, but wouldn't because I didn't feel in my gut he really wanted me too.  He would listen sure, but be supportive or completely present?  Nope, he didn't.  Just enough to get me by and keep me hanging on.  This is when I started to really feel detached.  I wanted to share and be shared with, in some pretty deep ways.  I didn't feel comfortable doing so.  An emotionally unavailable man does not make you feel safe to open your heart because you are never really sure he wants you too.

I don't blame this man at all.  I could have done a lot of things different myself.  I could have rocked the boat sooner rather than later. I am positive of my own role in the demise of our relationship, but that is another blog post. Hindsight doesn't matter really.  I learned a lot.  It stands as a reminder in my current relationship anytime I get fearful and feel like shutting down.   I don't want my current partner not to feel safe.  Emotional closeness is what I crave and anytime I am tempted to be on the emotionally unavailable side, I think of him.

Note he had been married more than once and each marriage followed shortly after the other.  This could very well have been a sign he is emotionally unavailable.  Emotionally unavailable men are often unaware of their unavailability.  They jump out of one and right into another.  They think they are ready, but the fact is they are not ready for a relationship.  They won't be ready until they take inventory of their past and baggage and come to terms and acceptance with it.

Why He Disappeared!

I was lucky, he dumped me.  I didn't feel so lucky at the time, but now I am thankful that I have had the time to heal, learn and move onto a man who is emotionally available.  Cocktails on the deck?  Anytime!  If you are attracting emotionally unavailable men or are in love with one, understand this.  He won't wake up one day and be the partner you desire.  If he isn't that partner now, he probably won't ever be.  He will do like my ex did and disappear down the road.  You can't fix him, but you can replace him.

Why He Disappeared!

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